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A
Rescuer Discovers Pearls
by
Virginia Foss
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“What do I have to say that hasn’t
been said before, in a thousand different ways by a thousand different
folks?” The whispered answer came—“Write what you
know and write it as yours; own it.” So I’ll speak to
my awakening and in that perhaps you might find something of value.
I have no delusions of having attained the exalted state of being
fully awake but I am in process as I’m sure many of you are.
In February 1999, exhausted and disillusioned, I left my job as a
home health therapist. My life was not working. I told my husband
I needed to take 4 to 6 weeks off, and he encouraged me to take all
the time I needed. If I had known the 6 weeks would be 6 years, fear
would have prevented me from receiving that precious gift-- time.
I did begin a small private practice but the main thrust of those
six years was my own healing journey. Being told that to be the healer
I was capable of, I needed to do my “shadow work” catapulted
me into some serious personal growth work. I began to explore the
unconscious with psychodrama and souldrama.
Being firmly rooted in my five senses and with very concrete ideas,
I couldn’t grasp the reality of a world that existed beyond
my immediate perception. I struggled as the universe presented just
the right words/thoughts/situations at just the right time to offer
opportunities for growth. At times I couldn’t or wouldn’t
receive the “gift.” Finding the gift in the midst of the
pain was so difficult. In retrospect it took me years to finally know
and accept some of the gifts-- but they were there-- waiting to be
discovered and claimed.
I discovered I was a rescuer and my self-esteem was based on being
liked by others. I was always helpful, with a smile on my face but
underneath that façade I was angry. The kicker was-- I didn’t
even know it. I was amazed to realize how few opinions I actually
held and even fewer were ever voiced. If I offered no differing opinions--
there was less chance of people not liking me. I was astonished when
I realized how often I played the victim. Poor me-- believing that
my troubles were the result of what someone did to me or from circumstances
out of my control. Never realizing my fear of abandonment or how it
restricted my life.
During this whole “awakening to me” I had a sense of groping
in the darkness and by happenstance stumbling onto the pearls. It’s
a major challenge to get the unconscious to become conscious. As painful
as my self-discovery has been, it has been very liberating. In hindsight,
I recognize I‘ve always been guided and continue to be.
I am awakening from my deep sleep, but I’ve not been quick to
stir from my slumber-- a gentle waking, slowly coming to consciousness
in the morning, stretching, yawning, until a leg cramp jolts me into
full wakefulness with an immediate need to address the painful contraction.
This is a good analogy for my spiritual awakening. Often gentle and
easy but with periods of intense contraction, contraction so hard
and painful that I just wanted to give up, but I’ve learned
the painful times hold the most opportunity for growth.
I know I am awakening. The signs are there. I am really quite pleased
with who I finally found hiding in the shadows of the overblown defense
mechanisms and outmoded beliefs. My self worth and esteem no longer
depend on what others think of me. I feel free to be me and express
myself. I don’t have the need to caretake anyone else, to fix
things or try to be in control. I now take guiltless care of number
one first. My health is better, fewer and fewer aches and pains. When
I am triggered, the first person I look to for an answer is me. I
am more at peace, allowing life to flow instead of working it.
Now that I stand on the backside of those six years, I can honestly
say I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.
If I were to offer anyone a bit of advice it would be to find some
very strong, capable spiritual based professionals to assist you.
Those who won’t try to fix you. Those who know, even if you
don’t, that the answers are there inside of you. Someone who
can hold that mirror in front of your face because eventually we do
get brave enough to look. To know the truth of whom we really are.
To accept and integrate it all at the deepest levels.
Our lives do change for the better. My path is unique to me as are
my gifts but I feel I would find more similarities than differences
between your journey and mine.
Have I arrived? Am I enlightened? Am I fully awake? No. Will I achieve
the golden ring? Definitely. In this lifetime? That remains to be
seen.
Virginia has blended her physical therapy education, skills and
experience, with extensive training in Myofascial Release, Barnes
approach with her solid foundation in energy work to create a very
unique and effective approach to healing. www.virginiafoss.com
or call 813-240-1915.
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