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Randy's Erudite Quality of Esteem
Suzanne Persons, PH.D.
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SELF-ESTEEM:
1. A realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect.
2. An inordinately or exaggeratedly favorable impression of oneself.
As I was looking up the term, ‘self-esteem’, I thought,
“We should get one long definition of this”, but no, all
The Random House Dictionary, 1987 unabridged version, gives us is
two lines, two lines. As if that should be enough. Given
as much as the term is tossed around, you’d think Mr. Random
would give us more to go on. Maybe he’s trying to keep
it simple, sort of like some kind of recovery approach. Well,
whatever his thinking, I guess it is something of a start.
I don’t know where I got it but I heard that self-respect was
more durable than self-esteem, which could go up and down in one day,
even one hour. Old man Random thinks they’re connected,
related, and symbiotic! If you have one, you have the other.
What do you think about that? Well, that set me back a step
or two.
So what about this self-esteem thing? The first half of this
Random definition, all of one line, says self-esteem is ‘A realistic
respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect’.
Is self-esteem, self-respect? Can either one develop first?
I’ve heard self-esteem talked about a lot more than self-respect.
Are they gender-linked? Is self-esteem to female as self-respect
is to male? Maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe it’s
in the way one thinks about each one in regard to his or her self.
But I still do wonder if females put initial value on their self-esteem
before they think about respecting themselves and if males identify
more readily with the value or condition of their self-respect before
they think about self-esteem. Oh well, that could take us too
far afield for our purposes here.
It isn’t even a question of the chicken or the egg. What
about the person with no or low self-esteem and no self-respect?
How does a person get ‘A realistic respect for or favorable
impression of’ himself if his experience of himself is that
he doesn’t have what it takes, doesn’t measure up and
he has felt this way for as long as he can remember? I mean
we’re talking about the person who lacks self-esteem from the
ground up. For lots of these people, self-esteem has been mercurial;
always slipping through their fingers about the time they think they’re
beginning to grasp the substance of it or some experience of its presence.
So many people have just wanted a piece of it, even if only for a
little while, just long enough to get through the evening, the dance,
the social, and/or the date. Some folks struggle with, “Is
it too much to ask or will I always have to have a few drinks or drugs
before I can feel like I’m good enough; to feel good looking
enough, to feel smart enough, to be a good enough dancer; to finally
feel like I fit in socially or fit in, somewhere?” The
talk in their head goes further, “How come you have it and I
don’t? Where was I when they were handing it out?
Had I been called out of the room? Was I on a hall pass?
Did somebody get mine? Did I have it and lose it? Did
you take it? Was it taken away because I did something
wrong? How do I get it or get it back?”
People who seem to have self-esteem don’t look like they think
about it. It doesn’t seem to occur to them because it’s
just a part of them. They’re not conscious of missing
it because they don’t experience that anything ‘s gone
or that there’s a great big emptiness inside. Everybody
else who knows about this big drafty place knows exactly what it is
because it’s all they think about--how to fill it up.
Just how do we fill up that empty place or make it go away?
Certainly not by the second part of the definition, ‘An inordinately
or exaggeratedly favorable impression of oneself’. What
kind of help is that? This Random guy has just gone too far,
in fact, all the way round the bend. How could he possibly believe
that self-esteem is defined as anything ‘inordinately or exaggeratedly’
what about oneself? These adverbs sound arrogant and ego
inflated; totally out of touch? But wait, is Mr. R. referring
to self-respect here? Would he have us believe that self-respect
is maintained through a favorable self-impression that is somehow
inordinate or exaggerated in nature? This is getting complicated.
I thought the term ‘self-esteem’ suggested something more
even-keeled than what he offers; something more stable or self assured
than either ‘inordinately or exaggeratedly’ describes.
At least, the ‘favorable impression of oneself’ part fits
a sense of appropriate self-regard and a kind of dignified refinement
congruent with the whole idea of esteem. When you look at ‘esteem’,
it practically begs to be ‘Esteem’. It sounds almost degreed;
like it’s better than the ‘self’ part; with a kind
of erudite quality to it, yes? Maybe R. House sees this,
too. Are you following this?
Well, suffice it to say, to Randy’s credit, he makes us think
and maybe that’s the whole point when discussing terms, like
self-esteem or other concepts about which we want to know more.
Thanks R.H.
Suzanne Persons, Ph.D., LMHC. Counselor/EMDR facilitator
in areas of stress, trauma, depression, performance anxiety, father/daughter
and life change issues. Downtown St. Petersburg. 727.898.9080.
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