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The Cornerstone of Our Perception of Life
Rose Wolfenbarger
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[Self-Esteem is an illusive and
elusive state of being]
Self-esteem! Self-love! Self-confidence!
Are these all just different names for the essentially the same
thing? Are these to be desired or avoided?
For me, this whole area of self-awareness is something I’ve
spent most of my life working on. When I was 13 I went to my favorite
teacher and asked her “How to Win Friends and Influence People”
because I wasn’t popular and felt very different, yet couldn’t
figure out what was wrong with me. My work on my self-esteem probably
dates from that time.
As a child I had been taught (as were many of us senior citizens)
not to be egotistical. It was wrong to brag – which simply
meant that you didn’t talk about any of the “good”
things you had done or you didn’t say how well you played
the piano or how good the picture you drew was. As we grew older,
some of us females even learned to hide our talents and brains so
that we didn’t frighten away the men.
This early teaching certainly stayed with me for many of my adult
years. The image we have of ourselves as adults was created during
our formative years by our parents, teachers, society, religion,
TV, peers, to mention just a few of the things that shaped our impression
of who we are.
I worked hard for many, many years– first at becoming more
self-aware – aware of how I really felt about myself. Watching
myself when I was among a group of people – paying attention
to my feelings and looking to see where those feelings were coming
from. Whose voice was I hearingthat told me I wasn’t good
enough – or pretty enough – or thin enough – or
strong enough – or smart enough?
I questioned teachers, doctors, therapists, and anyone who appeared
to like who they were. I asked, “How do you get to feel good
about yourself?” Different people gave me different suggestions.
I tried some of them and felt that others I just couldn’t
do. Looking back over the years, I’ve created a list of methods
that helped me develop my own self-esteem, from which my self-confidence
increased tremendously. I want to share those methods with you here.
5 Tools to Improve Self-Esteem, Self-Confidence and Self-Love
1. Become aware of your words, both spoken and thought. Do you call
yourself “stupid” when you make a mistake or forget
something? Listen for any words that put you down in any way. Your
first step is just to notice when you do this. Gradually, as you
become more and more aware of your put-downs, start correcting yourself.
As soon as the negative words come out of your mouth or into your
awareness in your thoughts, immediately cancel their impact by openly
stating, “NO, I am NOT stupid. I just forgot” or whatever
words apply in each instance.
A friend used the words “cancel, cancel” anytime she
noticed herself speaking or thinking negatively about herself. She
was very diligent at catching herself and canceling the negatives
and gradually she found that she was not “downing” herself
as frequently or as strongly as before.
2. Every morning and evening look in the mirror and gaze into your
eyes and with all the love you can muster, say “I love you,
Jane” or whatever your name is. If you have a nickname, it
is preferable to use that instead of your formal name, as it will
sound more loving to your inner child.
3. In conversation listen to your words. Do you own your feelings
and beliefs by saying “I feel” or “I think”
rather than hiding behind generalities such as “everybody
thinks” or “you feel bad when somebody…”
By using “I” statements, you accomplish two things.
First, you are sending the message to your subconscious that you
are important – that what you think/feel matters. This alone
will do wonders for a lagging self-esteem. Secondly, when you claim
your own feelings, you will get less argument from others and they
will be more open to hear what you have to say. They will be curious
rather than defensive. For example, if you are speaking to someone
and you say, “everybody likes purple flowers”, if the
person you are with doesn’t like them, they may argue with
you or just tune you out and not hear you – or just shut up
and not voice their own opinion, because it differs from what “everybody”
does and they don’t want to disagree.
4. Do something just for YOU every day. Something that makes you
feel good – something you really enjoy doing.
5. Create a Bank of Self-Esteem to draw from when you’re feeling
down.
Before bed every night, take a blank check register or a small notebook
and make deposits in it by recording each time you did something
that you feel good about. Not just big things. Everything counts
– you didn’t yell at a parent or a child when you usually
would have. You smiled at a stranger. You gave a cashier a compliment
about their smile or anything you notice about them.
When you are feeling down, open your register and read your list
of deposits to remind you of how good you can feel – and the
more you feel good, the more self-love, self-esteem and self-confidence
you will have.
Rose Wolfenbarger has spent over 50 years on a growth path, studying
with, among others, Ken Keyes, Ram Dass and Neale Donald Walsch,
author of Conversations with God.
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