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From the Inside Out
Jennifer Day
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[4 Steps to Helping Children (&
Adults) Build Healthy Self-Esteem]
Much has been written on the subject
of self-esteem over the last few decades, particularly as it pertains
to children. A great deal of it has been valuable, some of it controversial,
and most of it has at the very least contributed to a heightened
awareness of the importance of a positive self-image. Recently,
some claims have been made that self-esteem is actually not a good
thing at all. Studies claim to have shown that many children identified
as bullies actually appear to have high self-esteem - even criminals
and some with severe personality disorders apparently have high
self-esteem. This leads me to question our very interpretation of
the term ‘self-esteem’. Having worked with children
and parents on issues of self-esteem for many years – long
enough to have watched generations of children grow up and become
parents themselves – I have discovered that the term ‘self-esteem’
has many interpretations! One almost universal interpretation since
the self-esteem movement of the 70’s has been that self-esteem
is something that can be acquired through achievement, for example
through going to a wilderness camp and mastering ropes courses while
being highly encouraged and praised by others. While this is, I
am sure, quite beneficial and can contribute to an enhanced sense
of accomplishment, it hardly qualifies for sustainable, holistic
self-esteem building.
I have briefly thought of looking for another term altogether, however,
my Thesaurus tells me that the word ‘esteem’ is synonymous
with ‘regard’, ‘respect’, ‘honor’
‘value’, and ‘appreciation’. I have chosen
to just add the word ‘healthy’! In my interpretation,
when a child (or adult) has what I consider to be healthy self-esteem,
he feels confident and capable, worthy of love and respect –
both giving and receiving -, and able to care about and contribute
to his community and society as a whole in a constructive manner.
Most important of all, he knows that he has the resources within
him to handle whatever life has to throw his way. These are qualities
that are primarily derived from within, that are re-enforced and
encouraged by achievements and strokes from others, but ultimately
are develop from the inside out, - not from the outside in.
Four steps to Building Healthy Self-Esteem in Children
Step One:Self-Awareness
Learning to recognize and understand our own emotions is the first
step to developing any ability to self-regulate and take charge
of our own feelings, behaviour and actions; the most basic ingredients
in healthy self-esteem. The ability for such self-awareness and
regulation, emotionally and otherwise, is essential if we are to
manage life’s stressors, pursue goals, develop meaningful
relationships and become effective, contributing and caring members
of our communities; in short, if we are to function with a measurable
degree of happiness in today’s world. Sadly, much of society
teaches us and our children to look outside ourselves for our gratification
and happiness. As we try to satisfy ourselves with ‘stuff’
and ‘quick fixes’, we only want more. This method can
never completely satisfy or fulfil us, for we are placing our confidence
in everything BUT our ‘self’.
Step Two:Managing Perception and Life Stress.
One of the most difficult things for most of us to accept is that
our perception determines our response to any given situation. It
is difficult to accept because this concept makes us totally responsible
for our own reactions and therefore for our own reality. Nevertheless,
we do have a choice. We can choose how we perceive the events in
our lives; a cup is either half full or half empty, depending on
our perception. We can choose to take complete responsibility for
our own actions and reactions and teach our children to do the same.
We can help our children – both by guidance and by example
– to understand the role perception plays in our lives before
they become adults, and empower them to take charge of their own
emotional responses. The results will be twofold; increases in the
ability to problem solve and think creatively; and relational experiences
that are far more likely to provide positive feedback. Both of these
will validate and support a healthy self-image.
Step Three:Goals and Delayed Gratification
Whenever we attain a goal, no matter how small, our confidence receives
an important and frequently permanent boost. Although not the only
ingredient, the achievement of goals is essential in the process
of building healthy self-esteem. What can we do to support this?
First of all, develop the ability for delayed gratification! Identifying
a goal and having the ability to do what is necessary in order to
reach that goal, usually involves some type of self-discipline and
the ability to wait. Also known as impulse control, this ability
cannot be over-estimated when it comes to goal achievement. (If
a child is accustomed to receiving most things she wants without
any effort on her part, impulse-control will be a difficult if not
impossible quality to develop.) The other element that is significant,
and often under-estimated when it comes to attaining a goal, is
the imagination. The way we imagine will determine the level of
our success both in terms of clarifying the goal and in terms of
staying focused on it. The younger children are when learning to
use their imagination in a positive, constructive way, rather that
as a fear-inducing tool, the simpler it will be to make it work
for them. As they learn to focus their imagery skills to achieve
what they want and help them be the way they want to be, their healthy
self-esteem will organically develop.
Step Four:Appreciation
A strong healthy self-esteem is difficult to sustain without feelings
of appreciation being present in some form; appreciation for all
that is in our lives; appreciation for the people in our lives;
appreciation for where we are; appreciation for who we are; appreciation
for our efforts, for our achievements and for all that fulfils us.
In the last decade or so, scientific studies have been carried out
researching the power and significance of feelings such as appreciation.
Strong connections have been made between the levels and frequencies
of feelings of appreciation and our capacity for self-healing and
the handling of stress. Some studies have shown that of all the
feelings we experience, the feeling of appreciation has one of the
most powerful effects on the body. Feelings of appreciation and
other positive feelings also help the frontal cortex (the part of
the brain where creative thinking, and intellectual learning takes
place) function better, helping us to self-regulate and behave more
in line with the way we want to behave. This will ultimately result
in us feeling good about ourselves – giving us a positive,
healthy self-esteem. Whether we take these four steps towards building
healthy self-esteem or not, the most important thing to know about
self-esteem is that when we seek to build it, what we actually are
in search of is the unshakeable confidence (self-confidence) that
comes only with knowing that we can handle whatever life has to
offer.
Jennifer Day is a best-selling
author, educator, parent-coach and workshop facilitator. She offers
workshops in Emotional Mastery in the Tampa Bay area, and is currently
Director of Education for the UK based company Cardiac Coherence
Ltd.
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