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A Sense of Worth
AnnMarie Dyer
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For 40 years I was going through the motions of everyday life, introverted
and unhappy. How deceived I was to think that what I feared was in
the world, instead of my mind. Don’t get me wrong, my early
experiences did occur and should never happen to a child. It played
a particularly large role in the shaping of my basic self–esteem,
because my experiences were never shared. The attitudes of society
taught me to build walls of protection against a seemingly unsafe
and uncaring world. While these walls may have appeared to protect
me, they also created a sense of isolation as well as a deep sense
of unhappiness and quiet desperation.
It was easier to have doubt, than for me to have faith because I felt
like a blacksheep in the family. My anxiety, loneliness and depression
kept me company on my downward spiral of lower self-esteem.
Some have referred to self-esteem as merely “feeling good”
or having positive feelings about oneself. My low self-esteem was
focused on trying to prove myself or to impress others. Whenever I
worked I had to be the best at my position; I was not egotistic or
conceited, actually quite the opposite. My lack of confidence, of
self-worthiness and acceptability were a part of my shortcomings.
In personal relationships I always put others first, which resulted
in me neglecting myself. Being a giver and not a receiver put me into
the martyr position. There was no sense of satisfaction or integrity
as I lived in judgment of myself (subconsciously).
I began reading self-help books because I could not understand why
I never had a good relationship and was never happy and so withdrawn.
I read about doing affirmations but I was so deep into this hole that
I did not recognize the need.
I went into work one day really depressed; however I was able to hide
it. My angels in disguise, my boss and his wife asked if I ever got
depressed or thought about going to a doctor to see why I felt so
down. My first reactions were a list in my mind of excuses such as
a lack of money, no boyfriend and no social life. When I started crying
for no reason at all, I made the call. My primary doctor said I was
depressed, that it ran in the family and prescribed a medication.
This particular doctor cared enough to talk to me and wanted to find
the cause.
Eventually a friend recommended a psychotherapist and she immediately
got to the root of my problems. A healthy self-esteem will strengthen
you and free you from the “past”. I learned to accept
that what went before is over and that it is not subject to recall
or rewind. Living today, letting go of the past allows me to live
in the now. I have heard people refer to this as trying to drive your
car by steering with your rear-view mirror. You will be stuck looking
at only what is behind you (the past) and run into or have accidents
with what is in front of you (the future). We must always feel free
to detach ourselves from what used to be. Reaching this astonishing
discovery that I always knew but was blocked or hidden away, the truth
began to unfold like a flower within the mind emptied of itself.
My therapist taught me how to change those attitudes that were harmful
and how to create a spiritual relationship which helped to break the
chains of repeating unhealthy patterns from past generations. I recognized
unconscious barriers to love. I also learned to see through criticism,
anger and although hurt, developed new healing patterns.
During my therapy sessions I found forgiveness and love to be key
factors. One must love themselves enough to forgive any thoughts or
pictures in mind that caused suffering or resentment. Forgiveness
offers everything one could want. One doesn’t have to believe
in anything other than to be responsible for undoing one’s own
negativity. A huge feeling of relief comes with the knowing that everything
is neutral. There is no right or wrong, it is all in the perception.
Circumstances do not make the person, they reveal them. This inspiration
freed me from all sense of guilt and punishment; there are no consequences.
The new insight in me now allows me to see things differently. I have
found the path of passion and purpose and feel blessed to feel so
unique and different.
You don’t know what you are missing if you have never had it
or experienced it before. When I learned to feed my soul, I was able
to cast out unhealthy and dysfunctional beliefs and live according
to my purpose. My heart leaped with joy when it became aware it had
been missing self-esteem, my self-worth.
This change allows me to communicate, to write my feelings and also
allows my body to feel, react and respond. I feel fulfillment, joy,
more loving and generous and am attracting wonderful things into my
life. Life offers us gifts every hour, every day, if we but choose
to look for them. The rewards are huge and I am finally as God intended;
my self-worth having been allowed to come forth.
Namaste’, AnneMarie
AnneMarie Dyer is a Kentucky Colonel, a published author, poet
and a frequent contributor to several new thought publications.
She is a resident of Clearwater and may be contacted by
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