[Speaking up about what you want, need or desire in your relationships.]

We can feel very disappointed in our relationships because we don’t speak directly and honestly about what we truly want. I have heard statements such as “If you loved me, you would have done….” With employers we state, “He knew I wanted that position, project, etc.” With families we say, “Mother knew I wanted that and she gave it to my sister.” We expect our fellow human beings to be able to read our minds and our body language. I don’t know about you, but I am not very good at mind reading.

But I really do want someone to read my mind. I don’t want to have to “say” what I need. My partner, husband, wife, or boss should know or feel what I require to fulfill my desires, needs or wants. You may not have said these exact words, but I imagine that you have expected another person to know what you need without your saying it. After all, you have left enough hints, remarks or suggestions around that any idiot could guess what you want. Right? Let me give you a personal example.

My husband and I were recently married and we have discussed our communication issues several times. We know that each of us has what we call “tick marks.” These tick marks reside in a column of needs, wants or desires. For example, I am a cuddly kind of girl. My husband is an affectionate person, but he doesn’t know when I need hugs or kisses. Is it twice a day, three times a day or does it vary from one day to the next? He can only know when he wants to receive and give hugs and kisses according to his needs, wants or desires. So what are we to do! If my “tick mark” column is not full for a particular day what should I do?

Since it is my column, there is really only one answer. I need to hug him, kiss him or tell him what I require. What if he rejects me or doesn’t want to be bothered? Herein may lie the real reason we don’t open our mouth and speak, the dreaded fear of “rejection.” We believe that our partners, husbands and families love us, yet we have so much fear, we can’t speak. We prefer to go around expecting others to figure out what we want, need or desire.

This is tough you say. What happens to spontaneity and genuine feelings and expressions of love for one another? It is still there! Being responsible for taking care of your own needs is being loving to yourself and to whoever is in your relationship. Take the burden off everyone else and do what you and you alone can do to receive what you need. It is your happiness that is at stake here. Communication – expressing your needs – is the key to all successful encounters.

Let’s take the boss example. You wanted that job, assignment or project. You knew that you could do the job and do it very well. Did you go directly to the person who would make the decision and simply say, “I want and can do this job well, probably better than most everyone else?” Nope, it is so much better for us to expect people around us to “guess” what we want or desire. They should know, shouldn’t they? I don’t think so. If you are living your life this way, then you must be living a life of constant disappointment.

Stop this mind reading and get on with speaking your truth… what you really need, want and desire. Trust that the people around you love you. You know you love them. Well, maybe not your boss, but he or she is human and appreciates knowing where you stand. We are complicated bio-energetic beings and each of us has different perspectives on life.

When we partner up, we are not seeing through the same looking-glass as our partner. This is called “living in our own reality” and we wonder why others do not see what we see. They can’t. They are in their world and we are in ours. Communication is the key to bringing those we love and those who influence the quality of our lives into our world.

We humans are unique in the entire world… we have a spoken language. Words have meaning and meaning has power. Stepping into our power of expression is one of the greatest gifts that we can give to one another and ourselves. Remember, thoughts become words, words become actions, actions become habits, habits become character and character becomes destiny.

Try communicating differently for a week and see what happens around you. Who is surprised, who says “Thank you” because they disliked guessing, who responded to you in a way that you didn’t anticipate? I invite you to take the challenge and speak up.

Renée Lanier is a Doctor of Transpersonal Psychology and ordained minister. She offers private consultations, healing sessions, lectures and workshops. (727) 793-0305.