[A partner’s irritating behavior is often an aspect of oneself requiring change.]

The realization that relationships are basically mirrors is the key to healing any and every relationship – with ourselves, with others, with nature and the universe. We are all connected. What we think, feel and do affects everything around us. Our entire environment is a reflection of who and how we are. We are one.

This may be easier to accept as a general concept than as a truth about a particular relationship, especially an intimate one. The blame game has forever been a favorite couples’ sport. “If only he would do that,” we protest or, “If only she would be more like that,” all would be right in our relationship. It is always the other person who needs to change. Yet just as mirrors in everyday life reflect what we cannot see without them, our relationships reflect aspects of ourselves which we cannot see otherwise. It is not easy to consider that the traits that irritate us in our partners could be reflections of ourselves. Like many women, I was constantly frustrated by my former husband’s inability or unwillingness to express his feelings. Yet my private journals were full of thoughts and feelings I did not express to him.

The role of a mirror in everyday life is to tell us how we look – is our hair tidy, does this clothing look good on us, are our pimples or wrinkles showing, and so on. When we see something we do not like, we try to fix it. We do not blame the mirror for what it is reflecting back to us, nor do we try to correct it in the mirror. When we see something we do not like in another person, we forget that they, too, are a mirror, and we begin the dance of co-dependence – trying to fix in the other what needs fixing in ourselves. This works both ways. Often when consulting with one partner in a relationship, I hear, “I don’t think this is doing much for me, but my partner’s behavior certainly has changed!”

When we understand that our partner’s behavior is a reflection of our own, it becomes easier to sort out what is ours and what is theirs. Close relationships are like minefields; we never know when an innocent remark or incident will trigger a reactive explosion. We each carry imprints from the past within us, memories of how our family or friends responded to us, reactions to past trauma. When one of these memories is triggered, we react the way we did in the past. We may even say, “You sound just like my mother” or, “Stop treating me like a child” and blame our partner for what is essentially our own childhood memory. This is our minefield, (this is MINE), and not something our partner is doing to us. Knowing ourselves is essential to good relationships, and relationships, being mirrors, help us to know ourselves.

With regard to our relationship with nature and the universe, the situation is more complex. Now we are dealing with many different mirrors. Our environment reflects not just our own beliefs and biases, but the spins and distortions of the groups with whom we identify – our sources. Many of the half truths, lies and omissions in advertising and other media are deliberately designed to confuse and mislead us. Here too, the challenge is to know ourselves, to be aware of our own biases and minefields.

To see past the distortions of all the mirrors that reflect our reality requires discernment. Discernment requires quiet. Quiet is hard to come by in a world filled with the noise of traffic, refrigerators, microwaves, television sets, computers, cell phones, radios and disinformation. Yet it is only in the quiet that we can come to know ourselves. How this works became clear to me one morning during a meditative walk.

Along the waterfront where I live is a bridge across the bay, a simple, concrete, white painted bridge. That morning I stopped by it, entranced and enchanted by the play of light underneath. It seemed as if filaments of light were dancing an eternal dance on the underside of the bridge. Where was the light coming from under there? The water was calm, with just a slight current moving the surface, rippling it, and the sunshine on the water made a wonderful reflective pattern. You could see everything above reflected below almost perfectly but for the rippling of the water. But what was causing the rippling of light on the underside of the bridge? After a while, I realized that it was the light on the water that was being reflected back onto the underside of the bridge. Mirrors upon mirrors. The water reflected the sunlight, and then the sunlight on the water was reflected onto the underside of the bridge. It was magical.

This is similar to the way we perceive our relationships. At the first level we are influenced by the ebb and flow of the patterns, feelings and impulses in our psyche. Then when we interact with others, our viewpoint is reflected in the mirror of their individual pattern of beliefs and perceptions, which adds another distortion to the original. Each reflection adds its own pulse, rhythm, interpretation. This is why it is so important that we each make our own direct connection with our deepest selves. That morning, without the movement on the surface of the water, there would have been no way of knowing where the reality of the solid ended and the reflection – the mirror – began. Likewise, it is only through awareness of the flow of our own psyche that we can discern what is true in our relationships, and create healthy ones.

Lisa Raphael is a transformational holistic healer, spiritual mentor, licensed mental health counselor and author. (727) 822-0489. www.lisaraphael.com