September/October 2002
Feature Articles
Holistic Health Q & A
by John DeCosmo, D.O.
Of genes and gene testing and evaluation.
What is... the Organic Movement?
by Robert Roman
Part two of a three-part article detailing
the author's personal experiences and the growth of the organic movement.
UnCommon Sense!
by David Findlay
War - Iraq - Should we remove Saddam
Hussein?
Articles on the theme "The Learning Process"
A Basket Weaver
by Lou Galgano
An example of how one artist learns
and teaches what he knows.
Getting "It"
by Lewis Fishman
Using "it" as an inspiration
to learn.
Learning Without Harm
by Barbara Bedingfiled
How intellectualism has negatively
influenced our education of the young - and how to counter this.
Music and Movement, and Learning
by Bob and Claire Franki
How the combination of music with movement
from age zero not only facilitates musicianship but increases coordination
and learning.
September 12
by Janet Kato
A moment when the learning process
became the healing process
Learning From Everything
by Patrick Plaskett
Learning from life - from both the
"good" and the "bad."
Learning From Other Cultures
by Dr. Jean Houston
The birth of the Planetary Human
The Relationship Learning Process
by Bob Murray, Ph.D.
How our problems stem from failed relationships;
how to make good ones.
The Relationship Learning Process
by Bob Murray, Ph.D.
What's the one thing many really smart people are really dumb about? Relationships.
"Look," I said to Michael, the young, brilliant CEO who had come to me suffering from generalized anxiety and depression, "these sort of mood disorders are a relationship problem. In order to fix your anxiety, we have to fix your relationships."
He muttered something about, "Easier said than done!"
Michael was about to discover that the one skill he really needed had somehow been left out of his academic curriculum.
We humans are relationship-forming apes. We are one of the five families of great ape the bonobos, the chimpanzees, the gorillas and the orangutans. Like the first three we are highly social beings. In order to function well, to stay healthy, mentally and physically we need to be surrounded by a band of supportive people.
Most of us aren't and therein lies the problem.
Instinctively we seek out relationships. That drive is part of our genetic makeup. However the process of forming functional connections with others of our kind is learned. Just as the drive to reproduce is instinctual but good parenting is not. Our ability to form relationships is based on what we observed and experienced in the early years of life the way our parents, elder siblings and other significant adults (including TV characters) related to each other and to ourselves.
Essentially this learning process stops by the age of six. After that we merely form relationships based on those experiences and observations. Recent research has shown that poor early relationships have been strongly linked to depression, anxiety, stress and even schizophrenia and, through depression, to a whole plethora of physical and mental problems including, heart disease, fibromyalgia, diabetes and even viral ailments such as herpes and the common cold.
Though mood disorders may have their roots in early childhood, the good news is that we can reactivate the relationship learning process and in doing so we can be cured.
This learning process actually grows the brain and changes its biochemical makeup. The brain of a depressed, or chronically anxious, person is different. For example the hippocampus, an area of the central brain that regulates memory and the flow of emotions, is smaller, while other areas, such as the amygdala, where powerful emotions are stored, are more active. The frontal cortex of people with mood disorders works more slowly which is why decisions are harder and getting up in the morning can be a problem.
Good relationships in adulthood enable the brain to repair itself and overcome the trauma of childhood.
There really are such things as "healing relationships." A "healing relationship" is simply one in which our four basic relationship needs are met. These needs are for physical safety, emotional security, attention and importance. A functional relationship must meet, in concrete ways, all four of these needs. The relationship learning process begins by our making a detailed inventory of our needs under each one of these categories.
Remember that this list is for your needs of other people other people, not for yourself. The reason why affirmations by themselves don't do much good is that they are for yourself. As social animals we heal through our connections to other people, by their meeting our needs in functional ways. We learn to be free of anxiety and depression to the extent that we learn to form supportive relationships.
So we start with the list. Making a list of our needs may sound easy on the face of it. Most of us will come up with a list that includes such marvelous sounding needs such as "I need you to love me" or "I need you to respect me." The problem is that they are pretty meaningless to other people. My idea of respect, for example, may be quite different to yours. The same for "love."
Ask yourself what could a person do to show that they loved you? Would they say that they loved you? If so, how often? Would they hug you when you or they came home from work? Would they call you once or twice a day when they were away? Would they praise you to other people? Questions such as these form the basis of the relationship learning process.
Michael believed that he didn't have the right to ask for his needs to be met in this way. His father, who had kept his sights fixed on the corporate ladder, had married a woman whose main function was to support his ambitions. Whenever the mother or children showed distress or asked for attention, they were told they were "too needy." Michael quickly learned to hold his feelings in to avoid that label. As an adult, he was careful not to articulate any need or emotion that would make him seem "weak." In relationship terms this meant that people, particularly his family, were always having to second guess what he required of them in concrete terms. Often they got it wrong, making him angry and even more anxious.
"My wife should know what I mean when I say 'I want you to be careful with money.' She doesn't seem to hear me."
The reason she doesn't hear is that he hasn't made it plain what he really wanted, and she is too embarrassed, or cowed, to ask.
They are both repeating relationships learned in childhood. Michael is playing his stern, distant father making his wife into his compliant, over-anxious mother. It is a marriage designed to perpetuate their childhood relationship programming, and their mood disorders.
The next stage in the learning process is to actually practice giving your needs. Make "I need you to..." part of your everyday vocabulary, making sure that the needs you give are concrete, appropriate to the relationship, and doable by someone in their position. It is equally important to ask what people need of you so you never have to guess.
Michael found, to his great surprise, that this process actually empowered him and made him feel less anxious.
The final stage in your development is to make a pact with yourself that you will only form relationships, whether in your work, your community or your personal life, with those people who are willing to engage in this needs process with you.
In doing so you will create around you a mutually supportive "tribe" that will be the basis of your healing from whatever ailment. You will have learned the most important lesson of your life. Your immune system will strengthen, your brain will develop as it should, and you will find happiness in all aspects of life.
Bob Murray Ph.D. is a psychologist and author who teaches courses at major universities in the US and Australia. He is co-founder of the Uplift Program, which combats depression and anxiety and helps create really supportive relationships. The next Uplift will be held at USF (University of South Florida) in early November. bob@upliftprogram.com www.upliftprogram.com
Copyright (c) 2002 Altnewtimes,
Inc. All rights reserved.
No part of this web site my be reproduced without written permission of Altnewtimes, Inc.
E-mail info@altnewtimes.com