July/August 1998
Articles on the theme "Pride & Prejudice"
Prejudice Can Kill
by Patrick Plaskett
Why is some pride good and some not
so good. What is the connection between pride and prejudice.
Loving Authority
by Barbara Bedingfield
Teaching children to become selfless individuals, having a sense of gratitude,
and able to show care and consideration for others.
The Same Only Different
by Bob Gonzalez
Of astral travel, contact with the
departed and the interpretation of dream symbols.
Random Acts of Kindness
by Rev. Pat Cross
Discarding human attitudes and recovering
our oneness with God and each other.
The Magic of Differences
by Judith Sherven PhD and James Sniechowski PhD
Maybe it is not what we have in common
but the differences that really make a relationship.
A Threat To Survival
by Cydné Su Battreall
A battle with cancer. How pride and
prejudice can get in the way of making rational decisions.
Forgiveness and Compassion
by David Simon
A discussion of the origins of pride
and prejudice, and the nurturing of their opposite attitudes: forgiveness
and compassion.
No Room for Pride or Prejudice
by Dr. Audrey Craft Davis
On the importance of being able to
stand alone as an individual, so that one can enjoy a relationship free
of pride or prejudice.
Unlimited Vision
by JoAnne Gregory
Freeing ourselves from the limitations
of restricted points of view to create a reality of our choice.
Personal Pride and Legal Prejudice
by Constance Felos
Dreams of the good life, earthly dreams,
bad dreams, possible dreams and the ultimate dream.
Too Much!
by David Findlay
How going to extremes leads to the
negative aspects pride and prejudice. Underlying roles and identities.
Other Feature Articles
Natural Health Q&A
by Elizabeth Fenton and Renee Gillombardo
The psychological and physical benefits
of walking, plus other factors that affect our mental health.
What is . . . Hypnosis
by Alvin Bartz PhD
What hypnosis is and what it isn't.
The benefits of hypnosis. Some common misconceptions.
The Magic of Differences
by Judith Sherven PhD and
James Sniechowski PhD
Much of what we've learned about love and intimacy no longer works. Traditional ideas of relationship and marriage don't leave much room for the reality of who two people are as individuals. Based on centuries-old gender stereotypes, they force men and women to play out predetermined roles. They prejudice what can happen and punish those who want something different. As a result, relationships often feel like exercises in futility, leaving us enraged or depressed wondering, "What's the point?"
The source of prejudice takes root long before we even know about love and romance. As children, most, if not all, of us grow up learning that those who are different are somehow "wrong," "bad," "strange," and certainly "not to be trusted." As we reach adulthood, the origins of our beliefs are so buried, we assume how we see and feel about things is normal. Anyone who believes differently is either wrong or just weird.
When it comes to love and intimacy many people try to get things their own way. You've heard the phrase, "My way or the highway." Doesn't that wipe the other person out? And it all happens so fast, so automatically, it seems natural, "just the way things are."
Well, it's not! Any time you want things to go only your way you are immersed in a deep-seated need to protect against anything different from you. The world becomes a tiny place, only as large as you are willing to tolerate, and you can't understand why you feel so alone and lonely.
If that's been your experience, put every belief you've ever had about love and romance on hold for just a moment. Because the richest relationship you can ever have will be rooted not in what you and your partner have in common, but in your differences. That's right, in the ways you are not like each other.
Think about it. No matter how much two people have in common -- religion, politics, race, financial status, whatever -- when they enter into a relationship they soon discover the many ways they are different from one another. That's inevitable. But most people are frightened by their differences. They feel confused or threatened, using their differences to trash each other and battle in fruitless power struggles, damaging or destroying what otherwise might be very good relationships.
What if those very same differences could be the doorway to the deepest intimacy and the sweetest romance a relationship offers? What if it's only through the differences that you can be loved for who you know yourself to be -- flaws, excellences, the whole package? Wouldn't you trust the love that's coming to you? After all, it would actually be about you. No roles. No stereotypes. No predetermined expectations about how you should be. Just love for you, the real you, as you are!
When you open yourself to the magic of differences and decide to create the new intimacy in your everyday life, you can have that kind of love.
But so many people fail to experience intimacy because they have preconceived ideas, or prejudices, about the way intimacy should be. When the other person, be it their date, lover or spouse, fails to match those preconceptions, deep disappointment erupts and conflict usually follows. They can't deal with the fact that the other person is different, so they're stuck, insisting on their own images and beliefs about how things should be -- and that is prejudice.
Do you understand that conflict can be a loving act, an SOS that's shot up from the depths of the relationship demanding that something needs attention? Conflict is like the sand in an oyster. Yes, it's irritating, problematic, difficult, but when you hang through, it yields a rich and valuable pearl.
Successful relationships are based on the fact that both people need and want to be recognized, understood and loved for who they really are -- each with his or her own unique and separate qualities, limitations, joys and fears. That only occurs when we learn to respect and value one another's different ways. That's what we call the new intimacy.
Here are a few suggestions that can help you to discover the new intimacy:
-- Real love exposes and burns away prejudice and self-centeredness, challenging you to face and accept who you truly and fully are.
-- You are always teaching each other how you expect to be treated, what you will put up with and what you won't, what you'll give and what you won't.
-- To love actively, you can't be either self-centered so that your partner doesn't count or, self-sacrificing so that you don't count.
-- When differences seem to get in the way, you and your partner are simply at the threshold of an opportunity to get to know one another more fully.
Each of us longs to reveal our hidden selves and to have those hidden aspects be recognized, accepted and valued. That can only happen when we go beyond our prejudices so we can live in the abundance of one another's differences.
With commitment and the willingness to change your mind, you can learn how to transform your differences into catalysts for growth and spiritual awareness, instead of fodder for prejudice, rigidity and heartache. In the old intimacy, differences between partners make adversaries out of lovers. But in the new intimacy, differences between partners can make lovers out of adversaries.
Husband and wife, Judith Sherven Ph.D. and James Sniechowski Ph.D., are authors of "THE NEW INTIMACY: Discovering the Magic at the Heart of Your Differences " (Health Communications, Inc.). Los Angeles, CA. (310) 829-3353. E-mail: jimjude@ix.netcom.com. Web: www.thenewintimacy.com.