The best thing about friendship is that it is a relationship of choice. Virtually every other kind of relationship - be it with a family member, boss or co-worker, a member of the same club, church or other social group - is subject to the spoken and unspoken rules of the group. Such affiliation-based relationships can never be free of obligations because accommodating to group norms comes with the territory. Even when the group expectation is to be without judgment and to love unconditionally, this becomes a should that is subject to judgment by other members of the group.
The up-coming holiday season is fraught with anxiety based on our affiliation with families and other groups. Concerns about who cooks, who entertains, who gives what to whom, who gets invited where and when, which cards and letters to answer, what to wear and how to behave can be all consuming. Friendship provides an oasis in the midst of this web of obligatory relationships. Our friends are the people we call on to help sort out other relationship demands; the people to whom we can turn for support in sorrow as well as to share the joy of success, without guilt. With friends, we know that their responses come from wanting to be there for us, rather than an obligation to respond. My closest friend and I treasure the fact that we can disagree and argue and even scream at one another on occasion without fear that it will diminish our deep caring.
One way others try to control us is by designating our self-nurturing behavior selfish. Selfish behavior nearly always has a negative connotation. Fear of being judged selfish drives many of us into selfless, obligation-driven behavior. However did selfless giving - which translates as giving with less self - come to be associated with caring? Surely self-full giving, giving with more of oneself, is more caring than making less of oneself for another?
My mother, like so many of her generation, felt that the way her husband and children appeared was a direct reflection on her. She constantly fussed over our appearance and lead us to believe that not looking the way she wanted was a personal insult to her. I was determined that when I married, I would not get personally involved with how my husband looked.
On the occasion of my husband's first meeting with my parents, he removed his sports jacket to reveal tattered shirt sleeves. (He had ripped the long sleeves of his Northern executive's shirts in instant adaptation to our Florida life style).
"How can you let your husband go around like that?" my mother reproached.
"I am not responsible for my husband's appearance," I replied, proud of my independence from her norms.
Selfless giving is the cornerstone of co-dependance. A co-dependent relationship is one in which you make me feel good about myself by caring more about me than about yourself, and in turn, I make you feel good about yourself by caring more about you than about myself. I give you what I want for myself and, in return, you give me what you want for yourself. It is a totally conditional relationship in which we often lose our individual self. The association of selfless giving with caring probably comes from confusing the ego and the self. Our ego is our social self or persona, the outer shell that protects our vulnerable self inside. It feeds on others' approval and acceptance. Behavior that is motivated by winning others' approval is ego-based. I do something that pleases you in order to feel good about myself, and when I do something that displeases you, I feel bad. Selfless giving, when it is ego-driven, demands that you make me feel good and leads to bargaining and manipulation. When we are dependent on others to fulfill us, we often turn to addictions to fill the void when we feel alone. Friendship -- a freely given exchange of affection and support -- can be a wonderful antidote.
Friendship can cross every political, racial, religious, familial, occupational and social barrier that otherwise separates us from one another. Although self-full giving can be cultivated in other kinds of relationships, it is only in friendship that we get to give freely, with all of ourselves, without fighting the shoulds inherent in relationships based on group affiliation.
Lisa Raphael MS is a licensed mental health counselor, marriage and family therapist, specializing in mind, body and spirit integration. St. Petersburg, Florida. (813) 327-7528